Fight, Flight, Freeze

What does it feel like to freeze? I don’t mean when you walk outside on a very cold winter’s day kind of freezing. I am referring to what happens to a large majority of sexual assault victims/survivors — though I imagine there are similarities: like telling our body not to shiver is as impossible as choosing how we will respond to danger.

Everyone has heard of fight (attempting to subdue or thwart an attacker) and flight (attempting to flee from an attacker), but while I guess I had heard of the third “F” — freeze — I did not understand it until it happened to me.

Freezing during my assault is the main thing I have trouble accepting. I WISH I could have fought or fled!! However, I believe it very likely saved me from further injury. I can conceptualize it intellectually, yet it’s still so difficult to grasp emotionally.

I created a painting trying to show what freezing feels like. It’s like drowning in ice, but with being suspended in time. Your body is unable to move in an attempt to save itself. Your arms don’t flail above you. You disassociate. Your brain scrambles to make sense of what is happening. Likely you are unable to speak. It hurts yet you can’t say “ouch.”

At first I didn’t understand why I “let” him assault me. I did NOT want to “have sex” with him and he knew it! But he proceeded and my body froze as I was aware of feeling terrified.

The formal term for this is tonic immobility. It’s real and attackers count on victims responding in this way. With animals it is called “playing dead.”

A photo I took of leaves frozen to a table — immobile.

For more information: Tonic Immobility

Darkness: Self-Harm

For many, many sexual assault victims/survivors, myself included, it is easy to think of self-harm or suicide. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE reach out to someone if you feel like harming yourself in anyway. Call an emergency number, go to the hospital, contact a crisis hotline, confide in a friend or family member — do anything you need to do to keep safe!! For help: Hotlines

** TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE ART **

Click for More Information
I took the photos of the flowers and then transposed myself amongst them trying to put a “positive spin” on all my sorrow and grief.
One time while feeling down, I took a walk and took photos of objects and nature that matched my mood. It actually helped! I discovered beauty in the brokenness that surrounded me and encompassed me.
I was soon glad after that night that “fate didn’t bite.”
To borrow from Alice in Wonderland, I can feel like I’m falling down the rabbit hole, which in this case is covered with glass shards. I am getting better at identifying when I feel I am beginning to spiral down and can reach out before things get too dark.
More from Alice in Wonderland
Photographs I took while walking at night. This whole experience has felt like a journey into night, so I tried to “embrace” the darkness or at least try to find a way to learn to live with it.
A frightening process piece.

My Story

The light in my eyes dimmed drastically following the rape.

I want to be as transparent as possible, but I have to limit a lot of details to protect the innocent and the “not so innocent.”

The first point I want to make is that I am a female in my 50s. This is important to note because it is statistically less common to be sexually assaulted as one ages. According to RAINN:

• 15% of sexual assault victims are age 12-17

• 54% are between 18 to 34

• 28% are ages 35-64, and

• 3% are over the age of 65.

My goal is to connect to every/any victim/survivor, but I particularly want to reach victims/survivors like me who didn’t expect to be sexually assaulted at an older age.

I met him via a dating app, which seems way too common from what I hear on the news.

I interacted with him twice before he raped me.

My rape was not some dark alley deal after a night of drinking.

My rape took place during the day. I was sober.

I felt terrified and FROZE

I went to my GYN to get tested for STDs since he didn’t use protection. I went to the police to file a report, and I had a rape kit done at the hospital.

I can’t get into the legalities other than to say the case, at this point in time, is not being prosecuted.

While initially I was devastated by that decision, I would strongly encourage any victim/survivor to consider going through the whole terribly grueling, humiliating, painful process of seeking justice because:

1) it is empowering

2) I can live with myself because I did EVERYTHING within my power to seek justice

3) My evidence may help the next victim

4) Rape will continue to be a dirty word that gets swept away in the dark abyss of shame and fear until victims/survivors consistently come forward and say NO MORE.

Reporting a sexual assault

I know my story feels cold and sparse, but the journey to healing is the most important focus of this site anyway. The what happened, where, when, how are incidental. The impact sexual assault has on victims/survivors seems pretty similar. So after a sexual assault happens…..it’s NOW WHAT?

Coping with Rape

Art Therapy

I found a yard-full of sunflowers. This one was lying on the ground near the sidewalk and road, and it fascinated me that “she” was blooming and still looking up at the sun even after the storm had knocked her down. A great reminder that even when I am at my lowest, I can still look up and search for light and warmth.
My attempt at painting abstract sunflowers.
I painted a four-season tree because I am fascinated by the concept that the trunk and roots of the tree remain the same no matter the season, despite the weather, and however it looks. It helps me to know my inner strength — even if hidden very deep inside me — can remain as a constant. The appearance of the tree — whether with leaves dropping, snow blowing, buds struggling to bloom, or enduring summer’s sweltering heat — can all be beautiful!
A lot of my art is “just art” without necessarily a direct tie to the assault; however, I was drawn to focusing on this downed tree. Are the other trees supporting it/holding it up?
Total art therapy. I kept moving the canvas board around as I applied acrylic paint rather randomly. It’s not meant to look like “anything” but some people see flowers and water. This exercise is more about process than product.
Another process piece, which seemed to evolve into a sunflower.
A collage of photographs I took throughout the summer.
Nature keeps me sane and offers peace like nothing else can.
After the rape, I felt like I had “disappeared.”
In an attempt to counter that feeling of nothingness, I painted myself “reappearing,” but on many days I still feel like I am invisible.
I felt like my heart was shattered following the assault. I created this piece from a photo and for the heart, I used “found art” (glass along the roadway). The glue running and looking like tears was completely unplanned — serendipity.
Keep standing even if you’re unable to stand up straight. Bend rather than break.
Power pose
I love the moon! Another thing that is cyclical like the seasons.
I had created a picture (below) and in a fit of anger, destroyed it. Sometimes you just have to say, “FUCK IT!”
Despite saying “fuck it,” I do still rise every morning . . . Somehow. . . Some days are better and easier than others.
It took me a couple months to finally start doing art therapy. This is the second piece I created. I used pages in adult coloring books, colored them, cut them out, and made collages.